Rules & Boundaries: what they are, why you need them & how to communicate them

Rules and boundaries build the foundation for your experience in the Swinging Lifestyle.  Below I discuss what exactly rules and boundaries are, why you need to establish them and how to communicate them to other couples!


If there is one thing I have learned while exploring a non-monogamous relationship, it’s that awareness of my rules and boundaries is everything. As a couple, this is something you discuss and come up with together. These are things you set for yourself and as a couple. Boundaries are not rules. Boundaries and rules are two completely different things. However, they each come from a place of love for yourself and as a result I view them as practicing self-love.

I read an analogy from a great article describing boundaries vs. rules. If there was a fence around a property with a no trespassing sign, your boundaries would be the fence and your rule would be the sign. Click! Makes a lot of sense! They are about you, what you need, what you are comfortable with. Understanding where your boundaries lay is important for any relationship you are in. Boundaries are not enforced - they are communicated. Rules are enforced. Rules are usually set in stone. They are things you are not comfortable trying or doing. They are not very flexible.

Rules and boundaries are the limits that you set in a relationship and they are important because they protect yourself from being manipulated or overwhelmed by others’ needs. They always help to protect you from situations where you are not comfortable.  They allow you to maintain your individuality while sharing part of your life with another person.

Bottom line - they protect you and they protect your relationship.

How you establish your rules and boundaries as a couple is completely up to you. But I do know it all starts with the number one thing we preach in the swinging lifestyle - COMMUNICATION! Talk and listen! It’s important to understand where each other is in their sexuality.


Your rules and boundaries should be discussed prior to venturing outside of your relationship. If something should come up and you need to re-discuss these (at a party, event or on a date) it is perfectly ok to take 5 minutes and go talk together privately. Sometimes a scene or event may occur and from there you need to re-establish the rules and boundaries. Understand this is ok and understand this is completely healthy and normal. We believe it’s always a good idea to have a discussion after play or after going out to a LS event. Your rules and boundaries are going to evolve just as you do.

Not only do your rules and boundaries need to be communicated and discussed within your relationship, they need to be communicated and discussed with other couples you meet within the Swinging Lifestyle. It is just as much your responsibility to share yours as it is to find out other couples.  And it is your responsibility to respect these. Rules and boundaries also apply when playing with singles such as a unicorn. Everyone’s personal comfort should be top priority.


At an event, party or date this topic usually comes up rather quickly.  Don’t be surprised if you are asked this right away when talking to another couple and don’t be shy to do the asking as well! If you have a sexy profile for meeting couples (like IndulgeLS or Kasidie) you can put rules and boundaries right on there.  Don’t be shy! You are entitled to feeling comfortable!

Sometimes you will run into a situation where you don’t agree with other couples’ rules & boundaries. Please remember:

  • Never try to break up another couple or push them out of their comfort zone.
  • People who get into the Swinging Lifestyle are looking to enhance the relationship they are in. They are not looking for an emotional replacement.
  • If you are ever in a situation where you are thinking of attempting to break up a couple, then the responsible thing to do is not see that couple any longer.


Rules and boundaries are an important topic within the Swinging Lifestyle and something I feel passionately about. Communicating your rules and boundaries is self-love, it’s part of taking care of yourself.

We have an episode on our podcast that discusses this topic even more! If you want to listen, PLEASE CLICK HERE!