Keep Your Sexual Pilot Light On . . . Always
Written by Dr. Megan Fleming on Oct 2nd, 2020
Ladies, let me tell you that one of the moment painful moments I have, as a sex and relationship therapist, is when I hear a woman say, “I’d be ok, if I NEVER had sex again the rest of my life!”
REALLY, my head spins. I really don’t know where to begin. Except of course, I do.
Having worked with women, men and couples over the past 15 years in New York City, specifically sought out for my experience treating people with little or no libido/sexual interest, I understand from the front lines that there are countless and intertwined reasons “WHY” a lack of desire makes perfect sense to someone caught in the moment. Their sad, reflexive and automatic default has become the foreclosure of their erotic life.
“Their sad, reflexive and automatic default has become the foreclosure of their erotic life.”
I also have an automatic, visceral “nails to the chalkboard” feeling when I hear some women say they’d feel no loss from skipping sex, and worse, that they’re somewhat relieved by the idea of never having sex or a physically intimate relationship again.
While we are all different and identify ourselves somewhere on the spectrum of really sexual to not sexual at all, some women never allow themselves to even know what’s possible in terms of their own personal pleasure.
A lot of how we understand and want sex stems from our own unique experiences. Some might have had early traumatic experiences with another or in relationship with their own body. Some might have used sex for power not pleasure and some have allowed sex in their relationship to become so scripted and mundane that well, frankly, it doesn’t feel worth having.
There are countless reasons for the “why”. Every reason is important to understanding, at the deepest level, a lack of desire in this moment.
That said, I also believe in self-empowerment, especially female empowerment as generations of women before us fought so hard for the rights that we have today, our sexual rights. We now have the ability to say YES and or NO to our own sexuality and erotic lives.
Not just to consent, or timing of pregnancy and prevention of STD’s, but yes and no to pleasure.
Why would we let external life circumstances rob of us our right to feel pleasure in our bodies? In this present moment? Or even to learn and know what gives us pleasure? How does that serve us?
We must give ourselves the permission to give ourselves pleasure — and I mean in general, not just for sensual pleasure. Isn’t it time to own your want of pleasure for YOU and not for your relationship or the pleasure of your partner?
“We must give ourselves the permission to give ourselves pleasure.”
I want to empower women to keep themselves fully alive and present. I believe in an orgasm a day. Why not?! Of course, life gets busy and it might not realistically fit into every day. But the benefits far outweigh the scheduling challenges. Orgasms are so good for us and for our nervous systems. They release dopamine and oxytocin, our bodies’ natural feel good hormones that help resetting our body’s chemistry and our mind’s perspective on life and relationships.
Ladies, whether you are in relationship or not, keep your inner sexual pilot light on…Always. Keep sexy, feeling sexy and prioritizing sexy thoughts in your brain and in your life.
A cold engine, well, it is a real challenge to turn on. So many of us put our sexuality and pleasure and the permission for it, outside of ourselves. We believe our partner is the one who needs to turn us on and off without knowing how equally and more powerful we can be at turning ourselves off and on.
It’s like the law of physics, something in motion, stays in motion, getting something started from a dead stop, well… that’s a lot harder. It can feel like crossing the Grand Canyon. Yet, it’s possible. So why would we ever want to say NO to pleasure, something that is a natural and important part of life. In my mind, pleasure brings the fullness of life.
There are countless ways how to turn yourself on.
The most important thing I want you to take away is that it’s possible. YES, it’s possible to keep your sexy inner pilot light on and once you have felt the benefit of doing so, I’m sure you’ll wonder how you ever deprived yourself of knowing the possibilities of pleasure in your own life.
FEELING STUCK? HERE’S THREE POWERFUL NEXT STEPS:
1) Glue the Glimmer.
The change you desire starts with visualization, being able to see and feel in your mind’s eye that which you truly desire. For many women, there isn’t a clear picture. Gluing the glimmer means imagining what’s possible from the glimmers of what you’ve felt, known or experienced as emerging and maybe not yet quiet come to the surface but has felt good, almost there and certainly true. Pull together the lifetime of glimmers and let them weave a tapestry of what’s possible.
2) Speak to a qualified professional.
You are not alone, studies have shown that almost a quarter of premenopausal women and up to half of menopausal women experience low sexual desire. Check out AASECT to find a qualified professional near you. You don’t have to be alone on your journey of becoming, allowing, knowing and embracing your pleasure….your sexy pilot light.
3) Pick up a copy of the book, Embraceable.
In this wonderful and enlightening book, August McLaughlin, creator of Girl Boner and the Beauty of a Woman BlogFest has compiled the personal stories of 17 women, including her own. Frank, honest personal journeys out of sexual repression and inhibition to embracing their sexuality and own their pleasure. A recommended read for anyone struggling with their sexuality and libido. Pick up your copy here.