Is calling someone who likes sex a lot an
Written by James on Jul 29th, 2022
I ask this because we hear this so many times when there has been an infidelity within an non-consensualy monogamous relationship or even when a partner has requested more sex from the other! It is a violent and demeaning shut-down tactic to white-wash your partner's sexual expression with slurs on their supposed weakness or perverted nature rather than opening up an honest and non-blaming discussion with them about their desires and needs.
As I have written recently, infidelity is not the original betrayal but a result of a betrayal of trust by the other partner not to just listen without judgement then reflect back what they understand the other is feeling. I describe how fatal it usually is for a partnership not to agree what the style of the relationship will be when it commences and that all future discussion is welcomed as a positive driver for growing the relationship. I wrote separately about how we reject even the open discussion of group sex, let alone try it out (in a sensible way, anyhow). In my Second Theory, I explain how I think women struggle with the idea of having just one partner because they need two "types" of man sexually and emotionally; the rough stranger and caring partner.
When we call someone a sex-addict we are equating their want of frequent sex with drug-addiction
Ridiculous, and especially if it is discussed around the dinner table whilst drunk. How disingenuous and abusive it is to treat someone who wants something so innocent and natural to human beings as an addiction. It can therefore only be a way of white-washing approaches and behaviours that are (for many of us) still taboo subjects; non-monogamy and/or sex-positivity. I dare say many people who do want sex much more frequently than others at any given time are expressing something emotional but, hey, they haven't hit the bottle to blank it out, like most people. They are seeking sexual pleasure to help, which is entirely OK.
Wanting lots of sex, even with multiple people is not substance dependency.
How can I respond empathetically to a partner who wants more sex than I do?
By welcoming the conversation and showing them that you are interested and don't consider them abnormal. Tell them that you admire them for not just sitting on their unhappiness or frustration with the status quo and actually doing something positive to help themselves and your relationship because it has just prompted this important conversation; it has already brought you closer through sharing important stuff calmly and perhaps even for the first time.