Don't 'Fake it 'Til You Make it' When it Comes to Orgasms
"When we first started dating, I had a hard time reaching orgasm and I didn't want him to feel bad about his bedroom skills, so I got into the habit of faking it. When we got married I stopped pretending, but I never told him. And now, he can’t understand why I don’t orgasm in five minutes any more. I want a fulfilling sex life with my husband. How do I turn things around? Do I tell the truth?"
-- Susan, 31
Does Her Orgasms Affirm His Sexual Prowess?
It’s old news that women lie about their pleasure (or lack-thereof). When sex was primarily a woman's marital duty, and it was all for him, she often faked orgasm to get it over with. But so many women still feel compelled to play the same game? With today's sexual freedom movement, we should expect increased honesty with regards to sexual pleasure. Not so. Women still feel that her orgasm is an important affirmation of his sexual prowess, and this continues to drive women to keep pretending. It's time to unlearn some of those traditional ideas!
Fake Orgasms Serve Neither Partner
Faking orgasms are part of longstanding gender dynamics, traditional power structures, poor sexual education, and persistent myths and stereotypes about sexual performance. Chief among them, that reaching the finish line signals the deed is done. Orgasm is not just that moment of climax; it's a full body pleasure, not just one event. Nobody is served when partners lie about their wants and needs, likes and dislikes. The result is a dissatisfying sexual experience for both.
He Remains Clueless - She Remains Frustrated
What else is wrong with this charade? Clearly, she's not fulfilled, and lying to protect his ego maintains the status quo. He has no way of knowing that she's isn't fulfilled and the conversation on how to please isn't happening. She may think her lying shields him, but in effect he remains clueless and she, frustrated as the opportunity for him to do better is squandered. The couple is stuck in a cycle of displeasure.
Communication is Key
If this sounds familiar, here are a few ways you can enter into a mature era of sexual connection.
Establish the Conversation
Simply state that honesty is important to you, and that your partner's pleasure truly matters. And ask the right questions. For example:
• What do you like?
• What don't you like?
• Are there certain things that I do that you like more than others? And why?
• Are there certain things you don't enjoy doing to me?
• Is there something we have not yet tried that you are interested in?
Discover How to Pleasure Her
When you are able to speak truthfully about your likes and dislikes, you will start to discover how to pleasure her. Even if the orgasm doesn't come immediately, she will feel liberated from the pretense, and from lying. She doesn't have to keep it up anymore. That in itself makes her feel safer, more trusting and more open to exploring her sexuality.
Shift the focus: there is a whole person, not just genitals.
Practice giving and receiving touch in less obvious parts of the body. For example, caress the neck, arms, back of the knees or curve of the spine. The clitoris is just the tip of the volcano; women have a largely unknown network of structures responsible for arousal and orgasm. All the body parts you’ll never see focused on in porn. You can also play with energetic touch, by touching me without touching me. Let your hand just hover over the other's body. Lastly, try having the slowest sex you've ever had. No matter how slow you think you are, you could probably still go slower. The point being, you are not aiming for any outcome, you are simply exploring each other’s bodies. "Pleasure is the measure" says Emily Nagoski in the highly recommended book Come as You Are.
Feedback is Essential
Give active feedback.
Make sure he understands that you need time to become aroused or to climax and you don't want to be worrying that it's taking too long or that he's getting bored. Most men, once they know, and see the pleasure you experience, are more than motivated to do it again.
I can’t even count how many women have told me that the "coming out" conversation about her former fake orgasms is such a turning point in their relationship and in her sexual development. That they are so glad they took that step towards open and honest communication. even though it was a touch conversation to start.
Have you ever had to start a tough conversation about sex with your partner?
Leave your comments below.
Stay Sexy Everyone
Carol & David