“Dating as a SINGLE MOM”
Written by Cheryl Besner on Sep 30th, 2018
Are you a single mom or dad? If so, how are you balancing love and relationships in today’s dating world? Do you feel isolated or overwhelmed at times, just barely able to keep your head above water?
Well, the good news is that there is a whole new community out there called “Single MOMtreal” with a mission to help all those in need, whatever that may be and I have decided to hop on board to help make a difference!
Cheryl: “A lot of single moms are struggling in different ways …part of it is time management, not having the support…”
As a single mom myself, I’m can admit that it can be challenging at times juggling daily responsibilities normally shared by two both physically and emotionally. The thought of building a new relationship seems like to much-complicated work to you at the end of the long day. However, think of how you feel when your child hugs you as they see you about to cry from exhaustion after having a fight with your boss followed by you burning dinner. Instantly your energy changes from the heavy heart to lovingly light. That’s what taking the time to build a loving relationship will similarly feel like eventually…but with BENEFITS! You need to give yourself permission to be a woman/man as well as a mother/father.
Cheryl: “It’s hard to be a single mom…whether they’re 3 or 5 or 17 like one of my children, they’re there, they’re not going anywhere …working a relationship into that is a big challenge and when to introduce people to your children…”
Nadia Wiseman: “There are different situations. There are single moms who have boyfriends … there are single moms that are seeking, there are single moms that are fed up of relationships… some are just taking a break… It’s always good to be by yourself … there are also single dads and there’s a group for them …”
The reality is that there is no sharing as a single mother. Even though you may be blessed, surrounded by a loving family to help here and there, you are the only one on the ground that can fit the shoe of “the parent”.
Most single parents invest everything they possibly can in their kids, literally running and juggling so many balls and throw in there a full-time job and “Voila”, eventually you run out of juice and the balls start to fall. I know as I have been there!
Now, add on the desire to have a fulfilling, committed relationship and those pretty multi-coloured juggling balls can feel like 10-pound weights which if dropped are going to leave a mark.
The Key is finding Balance!
Cheryl: “As a single mom especially with no support, it’s difficult to have outside relationships… we’re single women but we like to have relationships, we like the support of a partner sometimes… it’s finding the balance in that …But as an individual, we have to carve out these times for ourselves because we can’t give up that desire for love …it’s human nature … we wanna love and be loved…”
Being a single mother, the “mom clock” is always ticking and no matter where the inner and outer phone is always ON. So when in a relationship, time is golden. It’s time you are taking away from your kids so I ensure that it’s well spent with the right person.
It is also very different as you need to plan things ahead of time. You don’t have the luxury of dropping everything whenever there is an invitation. You can maximize your time with a partner without kids feeling abandoned or left out.
Cheryl: “If the weekend comes and my son doesn’t have plans, I don’t want to go out and leave him home alone… because sometimes they just need you there and it’s not easy to find that balance …it’s not easy saying to somebody yes I want to have a relationship with you but my child comes first. Finding that very smooth balance is not so easy…”
The good news is that it’s doable, one just has to learn the words that will leave the other person knowing you also want to make your couple a priority, feeling safe, respected and appreciated.
Tanya D’Amato: “A lot of the moms in our group have young kids … there is a big struggle for moms who have young kids and can’t get out cause they either don’t have support for babysitting services or financially just can’t allow themselves to do that…it’s difficult as a single mom to get out in the dating world …”
Obviously, as single parents, relationships don’t flow easily as ones without kids. Carving that free time to spend nurturing a new romance is challenging yet within our grasp if communication and desire is there.
Cheryl: “Men who have children do understand but they’re also finding the balance … we have to look at both sides of the fence…depends also on the custody …”
When dating a single parent, you’re not just dating one person, but will eventually have to warm up to the idea of developing a relationship with the child. If you can share hobbies, do activities or travel when possible, this can help grow your relationship and test your compatibility with all parties involved. Children will always be the number one priority so bonding with the child is also an important factor to consider…
Nadia: “A lot of people wait…6 months, wait a year…but what about if you wait and you realize he’s not good with your kid it’s not a good match… or the women, if you’re a single dad…I’m not saying to introduce them right away but I’d like to know as soon as possible I don’t wanna waste my time…”
Singles only have one person to take care of and protect but when you’re a single mom (or dad); your guard is up for two.. or more. You need to make smart choices and to let the right people into your life as it will directly affect your children. If you yourself get hurt, it will affect your parenting, which in turn also impacts your child.
I am often asked how you can tell if someone is the real deal and the answer is simple…ask the right questions, be observant of how they interact with others and trust your intuition. What you see is what you get and don’t try to sugar coat things that go against your own values. If the rumbling waves of trouble are evident it probably means the tsunami is coming. Bottom line especially when kids are involved… SLOW IT DOWN!
Tanya: “I’ve been a single mom since my son was three months old… I was lucky to have a lot of support from my family but even with that support, it’s really difficult to even try and start dating because you need to have the time and your kid always comes first regardless of what goes on in your life as a mom… men are not necessarily understanding to that which makes it even harder…”
Cheryl: “Sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to want something, to need something in our life and it comes at a time that it’s appropriate.”
Nadia: “If you don’t take care of yourself, how can you be the best that you can be for your kid? And even be the best you can be for somebody else? …”
Tanya: “It’s difficult to put yourself out there, to love yourself and find love again…A lot of parents feel guilty to give themselves that time to find someone and it’s hard to take away the feeling of guilt…You have to be ready…if you’re not ready you’ll find any excuse not to have the time or to be able to juggle to make everything work…You have to also find someone who has the same values as you, you’ve been raising a child with certain values…”
When it comes to dating and relationships, you have to be ready for it. You have to know exactly what your needs are and what to look for in a partner.
Cheryl: “Anybody that you’re attracted to, will probably love your kid because that’s what’s attracting you to that person, that goodness, that kindness because most parents want somebody who’s gonna be good to their children…”
If you are single and dating a single mom or dad, recognize and be aware that it’s going to be a bit more challenging than building a relationship with someone with no responsibilities …but in the end…life is long and you will get double the love…maybe even triple!
Just listen to your intuition. You are the only one who can know whether dating a single mom (or dad) is right for you or if you yourself are ready to date again.
If you need any relationship advice, please do not hesitate to reach out to me on my 24/7 Loveline: 1-844-744-SOLO and remember to Keep it Simple and Stimulating because we all know it’s all about the KISS.
xo Cheryl 💋